Reading a few things this week really made me think; being emotionally intuitive like me is good but it causes me one weakness: showing my emotions. Nothing is wrong with exposing yourself emotionally but in this day and age, I think it is why I’ve suffered so much. I show people my emotional side and I become easily manipulated; I show that I care about people suffering and they become a victim, causing me to ‘care’ and be used. 

I think from now on, I am going to keep my emotions to myself. I have already learned to complain less if it all because it does nothing and my problems are my own. But as for showing my emotional side, I think it’s time I keep it to myself in most respects, so no one can get close to me and use me like they always do. 

I want to be resilient and smart about this; telling people openly I am a giving, caring person is just asking to get used. 

This isn’t a rant of someone who thinks writing makes their life more meaningful. This is about where we go when we forget our humanity. But better yet, this is about how we lose that humanity and fill it with other emotions that don’t benefit ourselves or anyone else. You don’t have to be a psychologist to understand people better or what I’m going to tell you. Years of studying a single person and that person can still surprise others, even themselves. If you let people tell you who you are, you will become someone else. If you try to stay within your boundaries or theirs, you limit yourself to a small cage in life. That is where we all go wrong…

Benevolence in mankind; that, is humanity. Being able to see the quality of others lives, not see past it, and forget, but to embrace what you have inside. When I hear someone say they have lost faith in humanity, I cannot help but think they are the loss in humanity. Human beings instinctively live, but why? Carl Rogers believed that people do not simply exist, but live to have the best possible lives. If you do not believe this statement, tell me why children that live in developing nations still smile. Why are some people who have cancer, incurable diseases, or may even be dying, still have a vivacious sense of life? We are not just alive, we LIVE; but we do not just live alone, we live in a world with billions of others. Everything we do has an effect on everyone and everything around us. When we touch the surface of water, we cause ripples; but if someone across the pond also were to touch the surface, they would form ripples as well. Soon, they collide and create ripples of their own. If you do not believe your actions shape the world around you and the lives of those in it, you have yet to see the results.

Why should you care? Because, we all must take care of one another; if one should not care for another, then we have lost already. If your parents did not care for you, would you still be alive? When you were sick, were there not doctors to care for you? When you needed an education to survive, did you not have teachers that pushed you forward? Some people are not as fortunate as others to have been cared for most of their life, but that does not lower their value as a human being. Naturally, we persevere. Life is frail and fleeting; doesn’t that make it all the more precious to protect?

There are those who would hurt you, emotionally and physically. But there are also those who would save you, care for you, and lift you up. Life may be fragile, but human will is not. Why should we let those who would do us harm, maim us and keep us down? Just when you think your life is a pile of ashes, you are able to rise up through flame and be reborn. Life does not stop when you die, because everything you did or did not do, continues to echo and ripple through time. It may seem forgotten, but it leaves an everlasting imprint on the history of life. If you are alive, are you truly living? What is it you live for and what gives you purpose? Money or success? Anything less is mediocrity in some people’s eyes. Yet, people live for luxury and forget that money is just a form of currency for exchange. If people find happiness in nothingness, what do those who find happiness in money have? I’m not sure… but I know what I live for. I live for the present and those around me; if I were to live for myself, I would not know true happiness, for such hopeful feelings should be shared. I don’t wish to spend my time alone with my possessions; I should like to free myself of them someday. In the mean time, I’d like to share my life and whatever good will I have with others. I want people to know that just because you are a stranger to me, it does not mean I cannot care about you. Sometimes, we feel hopeless, as if there is no way out. It is as if we’re lost in an ocean of uncertainty, but no ocean goes on forever before hitting land. If you keep swimming, you are bound to find the shore, and on that shore is hope. Those who would lose hope, haven’t lost it forever; it’s simply misplaced. There will always be people willing to help another human being and to care for their well being.

It seems I have said many things, some might not make sense, and for that I’m sorry. But just remember there will always be hope, love, and most of all, humanity. Without humanity, we would be worse off than I could ever imagine. So I live for others, in hopes that before someone’s day should end, they can be happy as I have been. Because what good is happiness if I have no one to share it with?

It will continue on, even when I am gone;

Life never ceases to amaze me.

Yet here I stand, yielding to myself,

The only real person holding me back.

I keep searching for answers;

“How can people live in mediocrity?”

And all I get is a smile.

But maybe that’s it, if I take it in terms,

And put that expression in writing.

It’s not fear of death, I’ve found solace in that,

It’s more ‘for the time being’,

I wish to learn more, I wish to expand,

I feel like I’m trapped in myself.

Is the person I am based on the impact,

Or based on how many are affected?

Is it better to be well-known,

Or revered by friends, not many knowing my name.

Perhaps it’s the way I live my life,

And how free of fear I live it.

But if we forget fear, we become reckless,

Limits are necessary to have.

How far is gone and how short is not close?

I guess that’s what life is for.

When I try too hard, I fail. When I do my best, I succeed. I am slightly confused as to what the difference is, but sadly, it’s there. 

A wise man once told me I’ll get where I want to be as long as I try. He was right.

Is tumblr even a blog? All people do is post pictures it seems and never make a real journal entry… It’s pretty annoying; I get expressing yourself ‘artistically’ with photography, but maybe you should try to articulate your own emotions instead of reblogging pictures or words made into ‘gifs’. It’s getting ridiculous. 

   Life is really good right now and I honestly wouldn’t change but one thing that’s in my control; having a job. Otherwise it’s tops at the moment.

   New apartment and car with my soul mate. But something isn’t sitting.

   I feel like I am missing something but I am not sure exactly what it is. Who knows? Perhaps when I get a job I will feel different, more useful.. that’s for sure. But something more. I want to do so many things but I don’t know where to start. 

   I know I feel complete when I do artistic things; writing, drawing, directing, composing. I’ve been dying to paint though, truly. I believe when I get my first job and paycheck, after bills I will get supplies and paint by my Juliette balcony. Sounds lovely. I want Erick to do the same, he said he was interested in doing so, just to see what we make; I can’t wait.

   Not sad though, just in pain. I’ll take pain over sorrow any day. But I have been bored… let’s change that tomorrow when classes start back up.